The Mental Health Corner Archive
Childhood a critical time for parents to work with trust
September 16, 2009
When speaking of lying in children, it is important to define lie in a manner that distinguishes it from other false statements. This is important because we must determine the type of falsehood before deciding upon a response strategy. An untruthful statement made with no intention to deceive is not a lie. We should consider a lie as an intentional falsehood that lacks positive social motivation.
If only honesty worked as well as lying often does. Because there are payoffs for lying, and some of those rewards are powerful, a child may develop a fairly quick history of reinforced lying and it can become a bad habit. In the innocence of young childhood, there are shades of misrepresentation. Stories about tigers in the back yard and dolls talking as friends, are common with preschoolers. They blur the distinction between fantasy and reality with their magical thinking. In addition, young children will frequently say or do whatever matches their inclination at the moment. They will also report honestly without careful screening of information or concern about the effect of their actions or reports on others. Gradually the differential consequences of such action lead to more functional behavior. With more experience in the ways of the world, or increased experience with behavioral consequences, a child’s accuracy of reporting and answering may become more elusive and subtle. This is a critical time for parents to pay attention to and work closely with their child around issues of truthfulness, honesty and trust, talking in language that is age-appropriate for the child. Children with open and honest relationships with their parents have less of a problem with lying than those who don’t.
The natural social environment tends to be accidental in the provision of outcomes for children. Its various reinforcements and punishments are not systematically planned by parents or other adults by means of carefully managed contingencies; instead, outcomes frequently appear to children to be the result of happenstance, occurring as if in random fashion. If a child experiences positive consequences for appropriate and honest behavior, that reinforced activity is likely to be maintained and built upon. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. That is, lying is frequently reinforced. Consequences have no ethics or morality in themselves; they simply exist and follow behaviors. The behaviors occur or fail to occur because of the function of consequences. The morality of a child tends to reflect his or her functional history of interactions with his or her environment. At the point where parents and other adults intervene and address the morality of behavior, then a child begins to internalize ethics and a moral values system. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with a child about the importance of speaking the truth.
When Does Lying Begin?
The question of what age does lying begin and how does it differ by age is a common question when lying in children is considered. Because honesty is a moral behavior, theories of moral development are often considered to be relevant to the development of lying in children. For example, first- and second-grade children may lie to avoid punishment from parents, to avoid doing something, or deny responsibility for their actions, whereas adolescents may lie to protect a friend, to fit in with a peer group, or to be self-serving. Furthermore, older children and adolescents are more likely to justify their lying on the basis of moral reasoning. For example, lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt the boyfriend’s feelings. Teens may lie to protect their privacy from their parents or friends, or to help them feel psychologically independent from their parents.
There have been numerous attempts to establish a connection between lying and the stage of moral reasoning of children. Although there are significant differences between antisocial and non-antisocial youth in their stages of moral development, and their level of moral reasoning predicts their level of conduct problems, specific associations between stages of moral reasoning and lying have not been clearly established. It is best to consider lying, whatever the age of the child, of concern when a lie is an intentional falsehood lacking prosocial motivation.
Lying as Part of Serious Problem Behavior
Lying is associated with a number of serious childhood problems including poor peer relationships, conduct problems, and troubled parent-child relationships. Children with significant conduct problems engage in lying at a much higher frequency than normal children. A teen with a serious drug problem will lie to hide where they have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where their money went. This often indicates that lying is part of a constellation of behaviors rather than an isolated problem.
Significant peer relationship difficulties appear in children due to problems with trust, which is an essential characteristic of friendship. When there is lying, there is a lack of trust, and close friendships will be difficult to establish and maintain.
Denial and idealization used to cope with potentially threatening information about the self, influence children with fragile self-concepts and may lead them to false thoughts and statements about themselves and their world. These statements do not reflect their intent to deceive others so much as an effort to defend themselves against overwhelming negative feelings associated with personal limitations and vulnerabilities.
Assessing the Level of the Lying Problem
When asked about the significance of the lying of a child, there is a need to assess the lying behavior and the overall functioning of the child. How frequent is the lying and what are the associated preceding events or conditions and the outcomes from the lying? What is the content and context of the child’s lying? Is it a recent or long-standing problem? When looking at the functioning of the child, is the lying the manifestation of a conduct disorder, rejection by peers, or troubled parent-child relationship, or other problem? Does it reflect the psychological defense of denial? It should be remembered however, it is often difficult to accurately evaluate lying since it is difficult to objectively observe lying.
Interventions for Lying
Interventions for lying of children are a bit more complicated than many other childhood behavior problems. Rewarding telling the truth could lead to a child easily obtaining rewards by making truthful assertions while continuing lying. But punishing lying behavior may succeed only in making the child a more skillful liar. In attempts to get at the truth, parents and other adults are cast into the role of grand inquisitor, which may provide a child with attention that inadvertently reinforces lying behavior. The most time-proven approach to dealing with lying is to alter contingencies of reinforcement for lying and telling the truth so that the rewards for lying are lessened, and the rewards for telling the truth are increased. For example, when a child lies to avoid punishment and is detected in the lie, the punishment that would have been administered for the original behavior should stand, and a punishment for lying should be added. When a child admits to a wrongdoing on his or her own, the punishment for the wrong doing should be less than it would be if the child had not admitted guilt.
When a child or teen lies, and the incident appears isolated rather than an emerging pattern of behavior, parents should make the time to have a serious discussion. For the young child, it is good to talk about the difference between make believe and reality. For the grade school child it is important to talk about honesty, lying and telling the truth at home, school and in the community.
When lying is a part of another problem such as antisocial behavior, peer rejection, or a disturbed parent-child relationship, the intervention should address the constellation of behaviors comprising the major problem as well as factors contributing to the lying. In these cases where lying is part of a bigger problem, professional intervention is usually needed. Single- focused interventions are unlikely to be effective. Broad based and early interventions, are the most effective, before the negative developmental trajectory is too firmly established. These interventions include parent training with conduct-problem children in child management and parent-child interaction skills including parental acceptance and positive parenting skills (combining parental warmth and appropriate behavioral controls). Skill-training for children to remedy social cognitive deficits and distortions is helpful, but should include parents. A focus on prosocial and friendship skills for those children with deficient social skills has proven helpful for children who are low-accepted by peers and nonaggressive. When lying is part of defensive exclusion, children profit from consistently supportive relationships with adults where accepting, close relationship can be experienced, with the child receiving accurate positive and negative feedback. The child can then learn to incorporate negative information into his or her self concept.
Summary
In summary, lying in children is a common behavior and usually responds to basic approaches where contingencies of reinforcement are altered for lying and telling the truth. Lying is however also associated with several serious childhood problems and requires that a child’s overall adjustment and relationship with peers, parents and others be assessed in order to identify the seriousness of the lying. If a child or teen develops a pattern of lying which is serious, then professional help should be sought. Evaluation would help the child and parents to better understand the lying behavior and would also provide recommendations for the appropriate level of intervention. When lying is part of a broader serious childhood problem, effective interventions address the broader problem and don’t just focus on the lying.
Phil House, Psy.D., Clinical Director, Licensed clinical and school psychologist
