The Mental Health Corner Archive
Testing boundaries part of toddlerhood
February 4, 2009
Surviving the terrible twos with good memories
Johnny came running into the kitchen screaming that his brother was trying to hurt him. After calm and order were established it became apparent that Johnny had once again been taking highly valued toys from his brother’s room. Now it was time to decide the disciplinary response for Johnny and determine how to maintain the momentary truce between brothers.
The early toddler years are often an extremely trying time for parents and older siblings. They are a period when it is difficult to maintain a sense of humor, even though humor is essential in order to endure this developmental stage. The need to check and examine everything and to press against boundaries is part of the normal growth process of healthy two-years olds. They constantly test and challenge the authority and rules of parents as they continuously explore and experiment with a world which is unfolding anew around them.
This pushing of the limits is an initial part of the ongoing process of separating from parents and gaining of autonomy for a child, a process which will continue into adulthood.
Direct disciplinary interventions are needed, but care needs to be taken by parents not to be too reactive as their authority is tested. Distraction, diversion and redirection are the primary disciplinary tools that should be used with children at this age. Use of these in a patient and persistent manner will be far more effective than use of swats or raised voices.
Regular daily breaks from toddlers, with a spouse or others taking over their care for a short time, help primary care giving parents to successfully sustain the ongoing demands of this challenging stage of development.
Another critical component for enduring the “terrible twos” is to structure the primary living area so that it is not a constant combat zone. It should be made toddler friendly with things to do and explore, where “NO!” can be the exception. Those things toddlers may damage or be harmed need to be removed and replaced. Access to other areas of the home or yard need to be controlled with appropriate gates, doors and locks. Planning ahead and preparing for active things to direct toddlers to do is necessary, rather than expecting them to occupy themselves.
And finally, parents need to enjoy those brief moments when toddlers find something safe to do without immediate direction and supervision.
Critical to parent survival is the awareness that toddlers are beginning to more fully discover and venture out into an exciting world of sight, sound and action. Daily reframing of this stressful stage of child rearing and re-experiencing the world from the viewpoint of a two-year-old will help parents to not only survive, but to emerge victorious with warm and humorous memories.
Parents need to take time to snuggle, hug and giggle with their toddler, creating a loving environment that is safe for them to stretch and grow within. Parents deserve to experience some enjoyment as they establish and maintain safe and caring surroundings while raising their toddlers, but it takes thought, planning and patience to accomplish.
Phil House, Psy.D.
