The Mental Health Corner Archive
As children age, 'home for the holidays' changes meaning
December 31, 2008
Home for the holidays
The holidays have arrived. After delays and difficulties with holiday travel plans, our children have finally arrived home. This fulfilled our Christmas desire of having our family together to celebrate the holidays with them. The week before was busy with preparations, and the adjustment of our expectations, traditions and plans for their holiday visits. This year we realized all of our kids are now adults.
They also had expectations and plans for the visit. As they have grown and are developing their own lives, it is stretching but enjoyable for us as parents to share in these changes. It requires that we modify what we expect of them for the holidays.
Children that are college students often continue with some of their friendships from high school and maintaining those relationships requires time. This means that they will not spend all their holiday time with the family, but they will also want to be with their friends.
Many are also developing closer relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends and these relationships and trips to their parents’ homes, take time and alter their involvement in the family holiday activities.
As children mature into adults, most eventually marry and add their own children to their families. It is important that parents allow them to establish their traditions for the holidays, and encourage their involvement with their spouse’s family at these special family times. Yes, it would be easier to maintain established family traditions and schedules, but that would alienate the children and their spouses. The holidays are a wonderful opportunity to show that your priorities are relationships rather than schedules.
It is often difficult for parents to keep holiday hopes and expectations in check and to plan flexibly for modifications in the holiday schedule and traditions.
Thus, parents need to put effort into placing their adult children’s needs above their own.
Too often, in the midst of readying for the holiday, entertaining family and friends, and adjusting to returned children and their spouses and their children, we as parents can lose sight of spending time with each other as a couple. We also need time to “get away” for a while to reconnect in the midst of this busy but enjoyable holiday time.
Although everything will not turn out as you expected, if you actively seek to adjust to the unique situations you will encounter this holiday season, your children and your spouse will thank you.
-Phil House, Psy.D.
