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Motivating Kids To Behave

Motivating Kids To Behave

Many parents struggle with out-of-control, oppositional, argumentative, withdrawn, and manipulative kids. They endeavor to find a way to get their children to mind and be more responsible. Just getting them to mind is the highest priority, then they can worry about their underlying motivation. However, motives are the drive behind behavior. Motives tend to develop in stages in a child’s character.

When we look at young children we see fear of consequences or pain as immature, but motives that work. But, as they grow, parents want a child to do the right thing for the right reason, not merely to avoid pain, consequences, and punishment.

Many parents are stuck with standing over their children until they finish assigned tasks. They find themselves regularly threatening, and even ranting at times. Then, many of their children do as they are asked or told, as long as a parent is present and standing over them. Don’t take a night off or be gone for the weekend though, or those obedient children won’t be nearly so trustworthy! How can parents cause their external restraint on their child’s impulses to become a part of the child’s character?

There are several stages of motive development that parents need to guide their children through. These have been addressed by a number of developmental psychologists through the years, using different terms to describe them and techniques to get through the stages. As mentioned earlier, the 1st stage is typically the “Fear of Consequences and Pain” stage. This requires setting limits and consequences with each child and following through. The second stage is that of “Voice of Others.” This is a process where the child begins to internalize his experience with significant others and what they say and begins to form part of how he looks at real life based on those relationships. The third stage is “External Values and Ethics.” This is where the child takes his own experiences and combines them with voices from significant others, putting them into a more conceptual form of rights and wrongs. The fourth stage is “ Love and Guilt.” As a child grows beyond the ethical questions of right and wrong they begin to move toward love and relationship. This occurs as they develop more connections and attachments to others, and relationship with others becomes more important to them. They move from a right and wrong perspective to a relational perspective when considering various thoughts and behaviors. They move to concern for how their actions impact their friends and family.

When we begin to address these levels of motivation with our children, whatever the age of the child, it is important to make sure that as parents we approach them from love that is not conditional. The love must be reality based and willing to be tough at times. Only as our children grow through to the higher levels of motivation will they ultimately be more responsible and will we as parents be able to step away and not worry (as much) about the behavior of our children.


Phil House, Psy.D.

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