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Kids' Needs Count As Parents Split
A Published Article on October 7, 2009 by Phil House
Recently I have had a number of requests seeking input on what to do to help children when their parents are in the middle of a divorce process. If children are to survive emotionally during and after divorce, they must be protected from parental conflict and allowed to enjoy close relationships with both parents whenever possible.
Despite pain, resentment, and disagreements, it is possible for many divorced parents to surround their children with a conflict-free zone.
In order to create a conflict-free zone, parents must learn to control, restrain and retrain themselves.
They must have the consideration to refrain from arguing and fighting when their children are present.
They should save discussion of volatile issues for a time when their children are not around.
It takes special thought, effort, and courage for divorcing parents to provide their children with a safe environment that enables them to grow up feeling good about their lives and about themselves, to work toward wholeness physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Florence Bienfenfeld, Ph.D., offers a Code of Conduct for this Conflict Free Zone:
- Shift gears from being marriage partners to being parent partners
- Settle disagreements through give-and-take and compromise, and respect individual differences
- Treat the other parent with respect, and avoid making derogatory statements about the other parent in the presence of your child
- Avoid arguments, scenes, threats, fights, and violence, especially when your children are present
- Don’t be overly critical of or try to control the other parent
- Avoid pressuring the other parent about getting back together and respect the other parent’s privacy
- Don’t sacrifice your child over money
- Make child support payments on time
- Gain the other parent’s trust by keeping your agreements and promises
- Accept the facts that the other parent has the right to spend time with the children, and that your children have the right to a relationship with the other parent
Cooperate in Raising the Children:
- settle on a workable parenting plan that gives children access to both parents
- keep ongoing contact with the children so they don’t feel rejected or abandoned
- reassure children that they can still count on both parents
- take the parenting plan seriously
- never disappoint the children at the last minute
- rarely cancel plans with the children
- establish two homes for the children with a place for their clothes, toys and other possessions
- maintain telephone contact with the children
- provid the children telephone access to both parents
- have the children ready on time for the other parent
- receive the children on time
- call the other parent when delays are unavoidable
- set up a “hot line” between parents for discussion of serious problems concerning the children
Cooperation Does NOT Mean:
- pumping children for information about the other parent
- trying to control the other parent
- using the children to carry angry messages back and forth
- using the children as pawns to hurt the other parent
- using the children to ask for or to deliver child-support payments
- arguing in front of the children
- speaking derogatorily about the other parent in the children’s presence
Advantages:
- fewer problems for the children
- more personal satisfaction and less frustration for the parents
- fewer visitation problems
- fewer child-support problems
- reduced possibility of returning to court
- easier sharing of responsibility
- better parent-child relationships
- more freedom from conflict
- fewer health, emotional, school and social problems for the children
During the chaotic and emotional period of separation and divorce, parents may think it impossible to cooperate with each other.
It is a period of great pain, involving feelings of betrayal, guilt and failure; the loss of security, friendship, and love; and the necessity of facing some of the less-attractive aspects of oneself such as revenge, bitterness, and great anger.
For many, it is the hardest time of their lives.
It is necessary to find ways to focus on a healthier future, the children’s future and the future of each parent.
Following a Code of Conduct to help children, will enable them to manage their emotions better and allow parents to be more civil with one another.
-Phil House, Psy.D.
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