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Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
A Published Article on April 29, 2009 by Phil House

Resolving Conflict in Relationships


All children and parents, husbands and wives, employees and employers have differences and disagreements. According to studies of conflict in relationships, the number of disagreements is less of a concern for long term adjustment than how the conflicts are handled. Individuals in healthy relationships do not avoid disagreements; they work to resolve them while endeavoring to be respectful of each other. In the process, they actually strengthen their relationship.


A number of individuals and programs have studied the process of conflict resolution and discovered principles that are commonly encouraged as part of a healthy response to conflict. These start with choosing not to attempt to escape the conflict or to engage in aggressive behaviors. They begin with setting a neutral place and time for discussion of the problem. They involve defining the problem and being specific about it, listing the ways each individual has contributed to it. Affirming the relationship with one another is also a vital step at the beginning of the resolution process.


This is followed by listing and examining past attempts to resolve the problem that did not work and then brainstorming and developing a pool of new ideas or ways to address the problem. The possible solutions are then discussed and evaluated, with encouragement of active effort to be objective and positive in the discussion process.


A solution is selected for trial, and agreement is reached on how each individual will work toward this solution, being specific as possible.


Another meeting is set up for a later date to discuss the progress made toward the solution and positive contributions are acknowledged and rewarded by each individual. If the selected solution is not working, it is evaluated and then another possible solution is selected, agreed on and applied by the individuals. The process continues until some resolution is reached, or if needed, a third party is called in to help with the process.


This process is a common problem solving, conflict resolution approach, but is not frequently used by those experiencing conflict in relationships. The “flight” or “fight” responses are so natural and come so easy, they seem to dominate problem resolution attempts in relationships.


Consider making a deliberate choice to deal with relationship conflicts in a healthy manner. Conflict complicates life tremendously and takes away from the enjoyment that can be available in relationships with others.



Phil House, Psy.D.

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