Press Releases & Published Articles

Click here to return to Press Releases & Published Articles

Busy with kids, it's easy to skip spouse
A Published Article on January 21, 2009 by Phil House

Yes, the kids change things.


When children come along, especially as they move into toddlerhood, it becomes difficult for couples to engage in decent conversation. The arrival of a newborn with her needs and demands changed Carol and John’s communication patterns, even as it does for most couples. The ongoing development of their baby into toddlerhood with her increasing verbal and physical expression of needs and wants further altered their interactions as a couple. This was true while the little one was awake, but also continued even after she was asleep.


Carol and John met up with one another and their daughter about 6 PM after leaving work and stopping by their place of daycare. One parent often chased after or entertained their child while the other prepared supper. The little one was then buckled into the high chair, a blessing was said and the meal was begun. Over the course of the meal there might be some exchange between John and Carol about the day, but conversation usually focused on their child and meeting her hunger and attentional needs. As the meal ended, her face and hands were washed amidst cries of protest. Conversation between the couple was limited to brief comments about their daughter or short interactions with her. After a further time of play, it was off to bath, story book time, and bed.


Between television viewing and tackling the needed household and other personal tasks, on good nights, Carol and John were finished with things by about 11:00.


Preparing for bedtime and then falling into bed, Carol and John turned off the lights. They were both exhausted. That is however often the time Carol wanted to talk, there was no television or child to compete with, while John wanted to just go to sleep in order to face another day tomorrow. Who is listening to Carol, and when is real conversation ever going to take place again in their marriage?


No matter how unfair or unplanned, this is a pattern many couples find themselves living in, until they can’t take it anymore. Then, one will blurt out their need to communicate more intimately.


There is a need to change the way Carol and John are communicating. Life has been changing and the days are long gone when they can spontaneously sit and talk without interruption. They can no longer place their daughter in the bouncer or use other distractions to keep her busy while they converse. She has arrived at the demanding 2’s. They have to acknowledge that she is in the toddler years and it is not helpful at this point to berate themselves for past mistakes made in parenting. These are the years of her emerging struggle for independence while still requiring changing of diapers, washing of hands and face, and the putting on of clothes. They also have to deal with the very real intrusion of television and other demanding distractions in their lives.


A technique for communication some couples have found helpful is to stop working at 9:30 PM on their unending list of tasks or their viewing of television, and meet on the couch for a date, at least three evenings a week. Over tea or decaf coffee they ask one another about their day and give each other undivided attention. They listen without interruption. Knowing that they have this time of connection in their schedule, gives couples freedom to focus on their children when they are up and active before bedtime.


It is also important for couples to schedule dates away from home and child(ren) on a regular basis, but the regularly scheduled times at home are the most critical for ongoing connection and communication as a couple.


If you want this technique to work, you must find a time in the evening when you and your spouse will sit down after the kids have gone to bed or while they’re working on homework or playing with the Wii. You will need to create a relaxing and comfortable atmosphere where you want to share with one another. This may involve brewing coffee or tea and turning on quiet music in the background. Putting some structure and consistency into this time and having established expectations will help you to know what to expect and will help keep you focused on your goal. This might involve regularly asking each other what the best part of their day was. Time limits need to be set, with equal time to share maintained for both partners so that one does not monopolize. At first, as this new routine is established, it may not go too smoothly, but with repeated effort, an enjoyable relationship building habit can be established. This will help you maintain and build your communication and connection with your spouse.


-Phil House, Psy.D.

Click here to return to Press Releases & Published Articles