Press Releases & Published Articles

Click here to return to Press Releases & Published Articles

Keeping Promises
A Published Article on December 17, 2008 by Phil House

Making and keeping promises to your children


Christmas Eve will soon be upon us and our children will be looking for those special gifts they requested of Santa or of us as parents. The expectations of children are beginning to run high, as they look forward to the fulfillment of presents anticipated. Expectations often turn into promises in the minds of children.


Young children with their concrete and rather magical thinking, find promises especially important and powerful in their lives. Promises of good things to come provide them with hope and anticipation. They provide luster to gray and mundane days. This is even true for us as adults, where thoughts of things to come serve to energize us during a tiring week of work.

Christmas Promises
I recall the times my father and mother responded to specific requests I made of them while growing up in their home. I remember the Flexible Flyer sled I was given one Christmas morning and my first Schwinn bicycle. I treasure the memories of the many promises my parents made and kept. As I consider my now aging parents, I am thankful that they taught me in many small and these larger ways that their word was reliable and their promises were their word. I think also of how I have delighted in the delivering on promises to my children, especially at Christmas.


I also recall some of the times I have failed to keep my word with my children, and discovering how promises broken had a significant impact. My children remembered even small promises about my attending a game, going for a bike ride, playing a game or just spending time with them. These were critical pieces in the process of their learning to trust my word. Children seldom forget even apparently small promises from parents.


It is also easy to make a promise far in the future, or to indicate that something might happen or be given, but your intent to deliver is minimal, as you try to buy some breathing room from your child’s intense requests. Building a pattern of broken promises, even though you did not intend them to be taken that way often causes children to doubt you and themselves. They begin to wonder whether they are worth much to you and begin to doubt their own importance in the world. It only takes a few times of not keeping your word to instill in your child a negative expectation set that will be very difficult to change. It is far better to not make a promise you can not or do not intend to keep. It is better to say honestly what it is that you can or will do. Never assume that your child is too young to understand when you cannot make or must break a promise. Take time to explain and communicate your love and care for the child when you must break or modify a promise.


Life experience
Circumstances change, emergencies arise, sickness occurs and plans and promises must be changed. This too is part of life experience that needs to be taught to children. Do it in such a way that trust is not broken, respect is not lost, and hope is not destroyed.


When you hint at expectations or make promises to your children, especially at this time of year, be considerate of those promises and be careful in the building of trust and respect. This is part of the critical process of their feeling loved and experiencing security. Be careful with the giving and keeping of your word!


-Phil House, Psy.D.

Click here to return to Press Releases & Published Articles