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Parents can help their children manage school stress
A Published Article on October 1, 2008 by Phil House

CHILDREN CAN LEARN TO FACE NEW SITUATIONS WITH LESS ANXIETY

Many children love the adventure of new experiences but there are also those who are intimidated by the new and unknown. As school recently began and fall sports activities started up, many children experienced more stress than they needed or desired. Although some positive stress is good, excessive amounts fuel emotions of apprehension.

The different personalities of children contribute to distinctive ways of responding to anxiety and fear provoking situations and settings. In addition, what they are taught about dealing with stressors and the modeling of parents as they deal with stress, contribute strongly to how they respond in the face of new situations.

Johnny was reported to have made 5 trips to the bathroom by recess, his first couple of days in school. His reluctance to attending school emerged during the first week and has continued to be a problem every morning the past month. He has become more irritable and engaged in more conflict with his brother, his attention seeking has increased, he has become increasingly clingy and he expresses more fear in many situations.

Other symptoms of stress in pre-school and young elementary children often include irritability, nervousness, inattention, difficulty adapting to change in routine, mood changes, isolation from peers, lowered quality of schoolwork, and physical complaints. Stress is often a frequent factor in short tempers on the playground, fights in the lunchroom, or avoidance of classroom activities or school in general. School related variables such as exams have significant impact on pre- and early adolescents. High stress factors for adolescents include sexuality issues, peer pressure regarding use of drugs and alcohol, and parent hassles.

Life is full of difficult situations and events that cause intense stress for children. These include conflict between parents, separation, divorce, death of a parent or sibling, serious illness, poor grades, and a new home or community.

It is important to distinguish daily life hassles from significant stressors such as the death of a loved one, serious illness or failing in school. These are more likely to catch children unprepared. While life’s small hassles generally result in few negative consequences for children, the cumulative effect of many such hassles can be as detrimental as any single traumatic event. The perception a child has of stress is also related to gender, temperament, experience and development – what is stressful for one child may not even amount to a small hassle for another. Thankfully, the ability to evaluate stress and to develop coping skills usually increases with age and cognitive development. Stress tends to be cumulative and progressive, and children need to be taught how to navigate through stressors successfully. Improved resources and coping skills are necessary to reduce its ill effects.

Although children will vary in how they experience various events, stress in school-age children is usually caused by:
1. New, unfamiliar or unpredictable situations
2. Unclear expectations
3. Expectations of something unpleasant
4. Fear of failure
5. Major developmental hurdles


There are three recognized stages of stress marked by phases of physical changes: alarm, resistance and exhaustion. In the first stage of stress, the body goes into “red alert “ – with an increase in heart rate and breathing as a course of action is considered. Resistance follows this, where the body attempts to slow down and return to normal. If the stressful event continues or if a child is unable to adapt to the situation, exhaustion usually follows.

If the symptoms persist or the basis for these concerns cannot be identified, it is good to have contact with those who have knowledge of a child, to determine if they have observed similar symptoms or if they are aware of recent stressors or a traumatic event that has impacted the child.

What Can A Parent Do?
Consider whether unrealistic expectations have been placed on your child at home, school or elsewhere. All parents want their child to be successful, and they should have expectations for good behavior and performance. But when symptoms of stress start to be seen, it is important that thought, discussion and action occur, focusing on decreasing stress for your child and helping them to cope.

Listen to your child when stressful events or situations are reported. Be a good listener, first of all. This will help you better understand how you may help them. Reassure them of your support. Listen, discuss and compare the current stressor to other events which will help your child view the recent situation as less anxiety provoking.

The feeling that there is too much to do in the amount of time available is a frequent cause of stress. When they are overloaded, it is difficult for children to see how to get things done. You can help your child learn to break big problems into smaller ones that can be dealt with, one at a time, and you can teach your child good problem-solving skills.

Children can be helped to rehearse going through and responding to stressful situations. Have them visualize how they would like the event to take place, and then go through the situation in a trial run, practicing good stress management skills. The practice and feedback is beneficial. Use of relaxation techniques can be helpful in diminishing the feeling of stress. Relaxation can also be combined with rehearsal of handling stressful situations well.

Consider how your child’s understanding of spiritual faith lessons may help him or her better deal with life stressors. This might include teaching and practice of prayer, meditation and thoughtful consideration of things that are good, positive and encouraging. It involves moving beyond anxious thoughts and the stressors of the moment.

Encourage your child in his or her involvement in intramural sports, clubs, community and church activities in order to experience interpersonal connectedness. These provide ongoing opportunities to find and establish positive peer relationships and often enhance social competence and improved self esteem which help to counter the effects of stress.

Be aware of irrational patterns in your child’s thinking. Often hidden behind anxious thoughts is the unfounded belief that, “if I don’t live up to my parents’ expectations, I’ll never be a success in life,” or “if friends get mad at me, then that means I’m a bad person.” Deep down, these “if …then” statements frequently mask core beliefs that children accept as true, even if they have never questioned them logically. These beliefs can include, “I’m not a loveable person,” or “the world is a mean place, and the only way to survive is to do everything perfectly.” Help your child look at life, and him or herself, more realistically and more positively.

Encourage your child to be involved in coping with stress through direct and active choices, making decisions, developing positive friendships, and working with energy to achieve goals. These are far better coping behaviors than taking drugs, withdrawing from others, or running away.

Remember, life is busy and full of stressors. Helping your children gain skills to better navigate stress means they will manage it better now and as adults.


- Phil House, Psy.D.

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