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Empty Nests Turn Focus On Marriage
A Published Article on September 1, 2008 by Phil House

They were getting ready to take their daughter to college and drop her off at a dorm, with many of her earthly possessions, including a new laptop computer and state of the art cell phone. She was so young and vulnerable and they were struggling to let go emotionally. They were sure that she would do adequately academically, but they were concerned that she was so naïve and vulnerable to the social challenges that college was going to present. They were even less sure of the struggles and adjustments they were going to have to make. This was their youngest child, and now, after 26 years, there was no one at home needing their support and structure.

They were entering the “empty nest” stage of their family life. Their daughter’s flight to the college campus was preceded by two older siblings. One had graduated college and was now early in a career in another state and the other sibling was in his third year of college, in another town. As the couple spoke of their empty feelings and empty home, they reflected on how quickly their years of parenting had gone by and how strange this new stage of family life felt.

We talked about the coming weeks and what it was going to be like as they began the second half of their marriage.

For years they had both looked forward to this time in their marriage, and now they were struggling to think of letting go of the first half, with its hectic pace and established routines. They spoke of many things they had delayed until the children were out of the nest, things to do that had not been possibilities before. The problem was, they needed to take some time and give some thought to what was ahead of them. They needed to get some time to sort things out before they moved ahead, or they would again be over-committed and caught in a new hectic lifestyle that wouldn’t allow for the pursuit of the delayed opportunities.

An important task to begin this stage of family life is to conduct an “evaluation” of the marriage. It is time to reconnect as a couple, review needs and how they are being met and which ones require attention. It is time to view the future realistically, by examining everything from finances, to energy, to time and adjust some of the dreams. It is time to work on recharging emotionally, after raising active teens, and redirect some emotional energy back into the marriage relationship. Other issues such as health concerns, job or professional pressures, and out of balance priorities need to be addressed.

It is also important to re-establish joint goals for this next stage of family life, including looking positively to the future and working to make the spouse a close companion if they are not one already. There is need to continue to grow intellectually and emotionally and to enjoy the children and their eventual spouses and children, while realizing that they and their mates will now become the center of their lives, not yours.

Here are some typical indicators that you are experiencing the influence of approaching or already arrived “empty nest” syndrome: 1) your teens have already or soon will leave the nest; 2) your children are writing home for more spending money; 3) you just attended your most recent high school reunion weekend and your former classmates weren’t aging all that well; 4) your parents are needing more assistance as they age; 5) you wonder how you can fund your 401K and help with college costs too; 6) In spite of regular exercise, you keep slowly adding pounds; 7) you wonder what your spouse would really like to do with their free time; 8) the dog seeks you out for attention, since the children are not around much any more.

-Phil House, Psy.D.

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